Alone
Sep01

Alone

I have to say that I am feeling alone, distant and even a bit reclusive. Depression springs to mind as I have been going through this time in my life. Currently: My Mom is recovering from her cancer surgery with problems. Dealing with relationship issues in regards to my Mom. The tears. My wife is unsatisfied with her job (just the fact that she has a job is unsatisfactory). I can’t seem to make enough money. The last two shows I had with my band sucked. My neck/shoulder is thrown out and I am in tons of pain. I keep running into brick walls with a recent business upstart. I need to spend more time with my kids. The time is flying by. …the list can go on. The worst part is I feel like a whiney little kid, which is then making me sink more into this shadow. A little bit about me…I am an introvert. This can be good for self reflection and discovery but also makes dark times darker and seem even more ominous. I need to find a little mountaintop and play my first nation flute…yet I cannot because it’s not here yet. FUU@#….(calm down). I am concerned about our country right now and the decisions being made that will affect my family now and in the future. I was reminded of a picture I took of my daughter a few years back (see below) along the Oregon coast. She is a loner, introspective person like me. Very out going and the center of attention (like me) when in our moods…but very much a loner. The picture reminded me of how I feel. It may not be bad or good…it just is. ¬† The issues with my Mom keep coming up as well as the tears and brokenness associated with those feelings. It’s not that I feel lost or at a loss what what to do, it’s just me being lonely. My wife is an amazing ear and listens to me often, hugs me and loves me…but yet I am still inside myself…alone. In the midst of all of this I remember back to church days and all the, hehem, comforting words people would give. “God is Good”…”Put your Trust in God”…”God will never leave you or forsake you”…oh and my personal favorite, “It’s just a spiritual attack”. Is there truth in those words? Probably.¬†Though often misguided, damaging, but dripping with good intent. However, life has many pains. It’s designed that way for growth and maturity. People die, loose jobs, have crises of faith…it is all part of life. Most of us want the pain...

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My Mom Has Cancer
Aug28

My Mom Has Cancer

My Mom has cancer. In fact she is having surgery as I write this. After mentioning needing prayers and good vibes on Facebook I got a slew of friends and family saying they would pray. Even one wiccan friend burning a candle surrounded by wolf hair. Why? I don’t know, and I don’t care. Years ago when I was deep into a charismatic type of Christianity I would have said NO! Now all I see is love and goodness in it. Currently, I am burning incense for my mom, three of them. Incense always reminds me of the sweet aroma of prayers. As I pray for my mother, the surgery and for the surgeons hands to be steady I am reminded of another cancer. That cancer is one of a lost relationship, rejection and pain. You see, I don’t know my mother. I mean, I have visited her we talk and all of that. However, ever since my parents were divorced back when I was 7 years old our relationship has been strained at best. She has always lived not more than one hour away yet I see her on an average of once every two years. I would visit my mom as a child and my grandmother would speak to me of how much I hurt my mother deciding to live with my father instead of my Mom. My grandmother is not a bad person she was just trying to get me to realize a deep seated hurt my mother had. However, in those conversations all I heard was that I loved my Dad more than my Mom, how bad a person I was for choosing my Dad over my Mom, and what a failure I was. I guess it was deep rooted and held some merit as my mother continually rejected me, seemingly in retaliation, and eventually pushed me away. She would say, “I’ve had too much to drink” or “I can’t find my car keys so I cannot drive to pick you up to see you this weekend”…to…”I know I promised you a trip to Hawaii this year (free trips given by her company at the time) but your sister would be so hurt if I didn’t take her again for the fourth time in a row.” All that translated too was, you’re not worth my time. Years later when deep in the throws of Christian evangelism I emailed my mother saying how she needed God, how lost she was and that I wanted to be with her in heaven, etc. That was met with a “how dare you” and “God is my only judge”. The...

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