It Felt Good
Dec09

It Felt Good

I preached last night. In what seemed like a life time. I preached. It felt good deep inside of my chest, my heart. It felt good. It leapt out of me like the surprising fright of a loosed jack-in-the-box. My audience attentive, listening intently, gaining understanding and insight. They affirmed what seemed like new knowledge to the three that stood before me. You could see it in their eyes and in their nods. It felt good. It was horrifying. I felt dirty, like an impostor. That feeling you get after having sex as a teenager having been told your whole life that you shouldn’t have sex, sex is bad, bad things happen after sex. I felt that sting, that horrible, shameful sting. It has not made me want to do better, to clean up my life, to “do the right thing”. To walk with Jesus once more. No, it makes me feel broken because of the echoes of the guilt programming of my clerical past. Possibly not of any one person’s doing but of the collective. That moment of preaching was involuntary like getting an erection in your 5th period math class in High School. Nothing triggered it, a pretty girl did not walk by, I was thinking about math for christ’s sake. The words were in me and projected out of me like glorious, stupendous, religious vomit. It felt good. Like some sort of verbal and spiritual masturbation and then…the guilt. I awoke to a post on my wall. “Wanted you to know I’m prayin for you. Hope all is well. God put you on my heart this mornin. Love you.” What trickery is this? What cosmically twisted words are these? I respond with a “Cool, thanks :D”. Not expressing my deep seated horror at a statement tike that. Don’t talk to the bad guy. The cosmic Daddy that delights in spanking, disciplining, hurting his children. Don’t tell on me. Damn it. He’s not even my Dad. He said he fucking adopted me. Telling me that this is some sort of greater love than that of my real Dad. This is not the God of my forefathers but that of the Hebrews. Not the kids down the street but on the other side of the fucking world. The cosmic dictator that has thrown more bolts of disaster than Zeus ever could. The echoes. The echoes. The echoes of the past ring loud and clear. “If you see anything other than a God of the compassion in the bible, then you need to re read the bible.” At every glance, every pass, every stroke of the scribes pen that...

Read More
The Lady
Jul16

The Lady

It has been quite some time since I last drew. I have been inspired and so I have started to doodle here and there. Really wanting to get my skill up so I can draw my band GrimWolf‘s next album cover. So as I develop and I have something to show I’ll post my art from time to time. Who knows maybe I’ll even start printing my...

Read More
Awakening Of The Voice
Jul13

Awakening Of The Voice

So I love listening to New Age music. As “death metal” as I am with all the aggression and destruction I love listening to peaceful, etherial music. In my years of listening to new age music I have always had a fondness for the Native American Flute (NAF). The NAF has an emotion that speaks directly to my heart and soul. About a year ago I wrote a song called Skin Walker for my band GrimWolf. I thought it would be really awesome if I could get someone to play a little intro piece for it. I approached, via email, a number of well seasoned performers on youtube that I liked. All to no avail. Then I thought, what if I just did it. At that time I had a guitar student that purchased a NAF that was just hanging on a nail in his living room. I asked if I could borrow it and he obliged. I kept it for a few months and during that time I devoured it. I learned the basics and then started to free form play. This instrument was made for improvisation. You can pick it up time and time again and never get bored. To me it is...

Read More